Dysfunctional Families are Like Serving in the Military
It was a cold but sunny fall morning. One of those mornings that as a child you can’t wait to wake up, devour breakfast and head out to bask in the luminescence from the brightest star in the sky. Only to retreat indoors within a half of an hour’s time realizing that it is much too cold even for an eight year old bundled in his warmest coat. It’s strange because I remember that day as if it were only yesterday. It was the day I thought my Mother had gone crazy.
It was a normal Saturday like most others besides the fact that I had a friend over to spend the night. See this was a rare event in my household growing up. My alcoholic father never used to allow our friends to spend the night. I am able to count on a single hand the number of times I had friends stay over during my entire sentence at my parent’s house, also known as the gateway to hell. In lieu of a party for my birthday, I opted to have a friend stay overnight. My Father didn’t have to buy a birthday cake or spend money on a party. He wasn’t thrilled about it but having two small boys running around the house in exchange for 20 party kids running around the house he found more than tolerable. Since it was much too cold outside we came in and decided to play video games instead. After about a hour of gaming my Mother came running out of my parents bedroom yelling, “I can’t breathe…I can’t breathe!” You can only imagine the terror that must have been on our faces. This was my first exposure to one of my Mom’s anxiety attacks.
Living in a home where the effects of alcoholism ran rampant it was difficult for me to see the affects that it had on my co-dependent Mother and in turn her influence on me. My Mother would be what you would call an enabler. Often times she would be the one going to the store to restock the endless supply of alcohol that was needed in our house. She often had to be the in between for my Father and us kids. As a child growing up I used to really dislike my Mom because I always believed that she often took his side and allowed him to do the things that he did to all of us. It was not until much later in life that I realized that the co-dependent role my Mother chose to play was more of a defensive posture than an offensive one as I always thought. See codependency is really a battle that is fought within ourselves. It really leaves the co-dependent person feeling confused and unaware of who they really are. My Mother spent a large part of my childhood playing a role that was not really who she wanted to be. Let me explain it in another way. When soldiers are sent off to war they are devoid of all feelings and emotions in order to survive the ordeal that they are going through. For a co-dependent person this is often the case as well.
The anxiety attacks that my Mom suffered from and the same type of anxieties that I would later suffer from also was in direct relation to my Father’s alcoholism. Both of us were trying to release pinned up emotions that had been suppressed for many years. We both were forced to believe that what we were experiencing was somehow not reality. We had to deny that her husband, my Father, was a mean, overbearing alcoholic.
At first glance anyone could easily find fault in my Mothers choice to play a co-dependent role in our family, but you see that is because you are assuming that she had a choice. Now that I am all grown up and can see the world through a different set of eyes, I am able to see that her position was anything but a choice. It was survival in its purest form. My battle tested Mother went through as many wars as I had if not more. Every day was new adventure of just trying to make it though the not so friendly fire.
The road to recovery for the co-dependent begins with making healthier choices. For most co-dependent people they tend to recycle their relationships and the problems with them, by choosing to be with the same type of people over and over. They tend to have relationships that are toxic and believe them to be the norm. This is also an issue for children growing up in homes of an abuser. This can be substance, alcohol or physical. Either way once the co-dependent person sees value in themselves then true healing can begin.
One of the ways I began to see value in myself was by attending Al-Anon meetings and ACA meetings. They have both become safe havens for me to express myself with people who can truly understand me. If you have never been to a support group meeting I really encourage you to try one out. Check out the FIND A MEETING page for a short list of links to meetings.
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