What is Co-Dependency?

Co-dependency is a condition that many people from dysfunctional families develop when they are children. Co-dependency is a dysfunction that stems from focusing on the needs and behaviors of others while neglecting their own needs and inner child. The Co-dependent usually turns over responsibility for their life and happiness to another person. They will only feel happy or whole when the person of their preoccupation is fulfilling their needs.

This dysfunction is learned when their observations, feelings and reactions in the home are invalidated or repressed by family members. This usually begins with a family secret like alcoholism or drug abuse and starts the process of denying the truth and eventually we learn to invalidate our self because of this. We learn to stuff our feelings and repress our inner self over and over until we become emotionally numb. Once this occurs we are unable to grow emotionally or spiritually. We are unable to complete healthy grieving over normal losses and become stuck and chronically depressed. We may fight this condition with compulsive behavior to get some relief but it only becomes destructive to others and ourselves. With failed attempts to relieve ourselves from the emptiness and hurt we usually try to control situations and people in an attempt to control the pain in our life. Again this is destructive to ourselves and to others and hinders authentic intimate relationships.

Co-dependency started early in my home due to the unpredictable behavior of my alcoholic father. We never knew if he was going to be a silly clown or a raging lunatic whenever he would come around. This created a chronic sense of fear in our family, like we were walking on eggshells. We were basically waiting for the next episode of drunken violence to start. My father’s unpredictable behavior created regular and repeated crises which became a normal way of life for us.  My mother would always respond afterwards by telling me not to tell anyone about the episode and that everything was actually ok. This denial of my observations about what happened and repressing my feelings of fear and worry created a sense of being completely out of control. To me this is the worst feeling to have because you feel like everything is in jeopardy including my own sanity. Thankfully through recovery I can see that my mother was a product of her own dysfunctional childhood home and was simply repeating the behaviors she grew up learning. The sad part is that she still denies there is any problem.

Did you grow up in a dysfunctional family and wonder if you might be co-depenedent? Here are a few questions to ask yourself.

• Do you stay quiet to avoid arguments?
• Are you always concerned about others opinions of you?
• Are the opinions of others more important than your own opinion of yourself?
• Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
• Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
• Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?

If you answered yes to the questions above you may not necessarily be co-dependent but there is obviously the possibility. But please remember that only a qualified professional can make a proper diagnosis of co-dependency. Not everyone experiencing these symptoms necessarily suffers from co-dependency.

CODA – Co-Dependents Anonymous is a 12 Step Program and Support Group whose purpose is to develop healthy relationships. You can learn more at http://CODA.org

If you think you may be codepened I encourage you to attend a CODA meeting in person. You can find meetings in your area at the CODA.org meeting page.

One of the books that have helped me IMMENSELY is Dr. Whitfields “Healing the Child Within”. The book was originally published in 1987 but I did not discover it until 2009. The information Dr. Whitfield provides in his book is timeless. The book is a must read for anyone who is struggling with their own repressed inner child and critical false self. It will help you understand what is going on inside you and why you act the way you do at times.

You can buy the book online at the iBookstore or Amazon.com.

You can click the buttons below to purchase this book for your iphone or ipad at the iBookstore or have it delivered from Amazon.com

Tags: alcohol, alcoholic, alcoholism, children, co dependency, coda, compulsive behavior, crises, denial, drug abuse, dysfunctional family, emptiness, Family, family members, featured, feelings, happiness, inner child, preoccupation, unpredictable behavior, way of life

Category: Articles, Co-Dependents Anonymous