What is the Inner Child?

Each of us has a place down deep inside of us which is energetic, creative, happy and connected to life.  This place is referred to by clinicians and educators as the “Real Self”, “True Self”, “Deepest Self”, “Inner Core” and “Inner Child”. It is the place inside where you feel the most real, authentic, genuine or spirited and have the most accepting and peaceful emotions.

Everyone to one degree or another learns to stifle or repress their inner child with the help of our parents, teachers, pastors, peers or even psychologists. When that deepest part of us is not nurtured, encouraged and allowed to express freely, during childhood, a false self or co-dependent self is then created.

The false self is the public character we portray to get our needs met. It is consumed with what others want it to be.  It is not genuine or authentic but is constantly withholding feelings and resentments along with unconditional love and acceptance. Our false self is passive aggressive, jealous, critical and pretends to always be strong. Our false self separates us from our true inner self, from others and causes most of the dysfunction in our lives through repeating painful patterns over and over.  The false self expects bad things to happen and does what it can to protect itself.  The false self is also that part of us that is constantly critical of self and others. It’s referred to as the “critical parent” in transactional analysis. Usually when playing this role we feel uncomfortable and forced. We can sense that something is wrong but not sure what it is.

Growing up in an alcoholic or other type of dysfunctional family can teach you to repress your inner child from a very early age. I learned early on to play different characters based on my father’s moods. When he was drunk and happy I could be playful and excited. When he was drunk and angry I would play the family hero and try to protect my mother. When he was hung over or depressed I would try to be invisible. Because I was always focused on his mood to decide who I was going to act like I disconnected from who I was at the deepest level and became a people pleaser. Thankfully through ACA I have gotten in touch with my real self and today he wanted McDonalds for lunch, and I was happy to oblige.

The real self accepts ourselves and others. It allows for free expression and unconditional love. I sometimes think of the real self as a peace loving hippie wearing a bandana at Woodstock. But our real self or inner child is also assertive and creative and is spontaneous and playful. When we are acting from our inner child we can be vulnerable. The inner child is basically cool with itself and everything around it. Unfortunately this part of us usually becomes our private self.  We choose to keep the most precious part of ourselves secret from others for fear of being hurt or rejected. For those of us that grew up in alcoholic homes we were constantly repressed by the insanity of the alcoholic. But there is hope and I am encouraged to write that we can change.

When we get in touch with our true self we may have to go through some pain and bad memories but it is worth it to find the freedom from our past. When I learned that I didn’t have to do anything special to be my true self it was like a new world opened to me. If I just simply let myself be I express myself naturally with no particular effort. It’s a pretty cool experience but takes some mindfulness and even practice to become aware of our false self.

One of the books that have helped me IMMENSELY is Dr. Whitfields “Healing the Child Within”. The book was originally published in 1987 but I did not discover it until 2009. The information Dr. Whitfield provides in his book is timeless. The book is a must read for anyone who is struggling with their own repressed inner child and critical false self. It will help you understand what is going on inside you and why you act the way you do at times.

You can buy the book online at the iBookstore or Amazon.com.

You can click the buttons below to purchase this book for your iphone or ipad at the iBookstore or have it delivered from Amazon.com

 
 

Dr. Whitfield shares a poem entitled “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying” by Charles Finn in his book. The poem was originally published anonymously in 1966. It has touched the lives of millions of people through meetings and support groups. I have included the poem below and I think you will appreciate it.

You can learn about the poet Charles Finn and the story behind the poem at: http://www.poetrybycharlescfinn.com/Index.html

 

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying
By Charles C. Finn

Jester mask Don’t be fooled by me.

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear

For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

Masks that I’m afraid to take off

And none of them is me.

 

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,

but don’t be fooled,

for God’s sake don’t be fooled.

I give you the impression that I’m secure,

that all is sunny and unruffled with me,

within as well as without,

that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

that the water’s calm and I’m in command

and that I need no one,

but don’t believe me.

 

My surface may be smooth but

my surface is my mask,

ever-varying and ever-concealing.

Beneath lies no complacence.

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,

a nonchalant sophisticated facade,

to help me pretend,

to shield me from the glance that knows.

 

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,

my only hope, and I know it.

That is, if it is followed by acceptance,

If it is followed by love.

It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself

from my own self-built prison walls

from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.

It’s the only thing that will assure me

of what I can’t assure myself,

that I’m really worth something.

But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to. I’m afraid to.

 

mask I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,

that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing

and that you will see this and reject me.

 

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game

With a façade of assurance without

And a trembling child within.

So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,

And my life becomes a front.

I tell you everything that’s really nothing,

and nothing of what’s everything,

of what’s crying within me.

So when I’m going through my routine

do not be fooled by what I’m saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,

what I’d like to be able to say,

what for survival I need to say,

but what I can’t say.

 

I don’t like hiding.

I don’t like playing superficial phony games.

I want to stop playing them.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

but you’ve got to help me.

You’ve got to hold out your hand

even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.

Only you can wipe away from my eyes

the blank stare of the breathing dead.

Only you can call me into aliveness.

Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

each time you try to understand because you really care,

my heart begins to grow wings –

very small wings,

but wings!

 

With your power to touch me into feeling

you can breathe life into me.

I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me,

how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator –

of the person that is me

if you choose to.

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,

you alone can remove my mask,

you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,

from my lonely prison,

if you choose to.

Please choose to.

 

Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach me

the blinder I may strike back.

It’s irrational, but despite what the books may say about man

often I am irrational.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

and in this lies my hope.

gold mask Please try to beat down those walls

with firm hands but with gentle hands

for a child is very sensitive.

 

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.

For I am every man you meet

and I am every woman you meet.

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying By Charles C. Finn

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